removed

Sometimes someone hurt you so bad, it stops hurting at all.
Until something makes you feel again. And then it all comes back.
Every word. Every hurt. Every moment.
How could you ever understand where i come from?
Even if you ask, even if you listen, you do not really hear, or see, or feel.
You don't remember my story.
You haven't walked my path.
You haven't seen what I've seen.

My past defines me. This is who i am.
I am, unseen, unheard, unwanted.
That is what i am. If even i am anything.

It seems like the same thing that held me up, forced me down.
In a world turned upside down, and order disappeared.
Nothing was how it was supposed to be.
And a heavy sadness filled my soul.

Deeper and deeper i fell within myself
and nothing could show me out.
Trapped in the misery of my life, lost in the sorrow of my soul.
Unable to see the light, unable to see the dawn.
To feel. To hope. to dream.

I found the darkest day of my life kept coming.
The blackest nights for my soul never stopped.
It seemed like it was always nighttime and nightmares, and never morning.
And maybe you wonder why, but mostly you try not to think about it,
and try to get by, and try to survive.
And all the other stuff seems so much like nothing
compared to just wanting the most important things back again.
Like wishing you could see your mum smile again
and hear her sing that one favourite song
that always calmed you down when things were all messed up.
Or if you couldn't have her back, at least get to take care of your little siblings,
because you know they need you, and they're gonna be so scared all alone.
And who's gonna hold their hands and whisper it's going to be alright to them?
And who will whisper it to me?

I know i'm hopeless, dependent, desperate,
but what happens when those you need the most
threaten your very existence?
I've heard plenty of promises and they all sound the same.
But push hard enough and sooner or later
they all prove to be empty.

The sun comes up every morning, but do you know where?
Each place, it's somewhere different.
It's hard to find east when you keep moving around,
but at least it comes. It always comes.
I've come to depend on that. And slowly, seasons changed around me.
and it seemed this time that maybe the world would not be pulled out from under me again.
Feet safe, root starting to grow.
Little buds of hope for me. Slowly attempting to trust this new life.

I wish someone tell me it would be okay.
That one day, maybe, i'll feel normal.
That i won't always be alone.
That i'll have someone who will hug me, and be strong for me,
because maybe i can't do it all by myself.

This my past, my history, my story, is not my fault.
It's not because of me.
And doesn't have to be what defines my future.
I am lovable. I am worthy of care.
And that glimmer of light, it makes all the difference.
The glimmers of light give me hope that someday...

...my summer will come.

credits | ReMoved