101820

 it's almost 1 in the morning. Ending my first week of classes for this semester.
I'm alone, at home, not literally,
but without someone who's going through the same suffering as mine,
yes, I am alone. And lonely.
Online learning was quite fun, almost. But i hate that I have to be at home.
Swallowing down my suffering alone. Not trying to sound pathetic or anything.
But it is what it is. I need my friends.
But I can't leave my mother alone here.
She needs me around.
Therefore, here I am, sitting down on my chair, ranting to nobody.
(i mean, idk if anyone actually listens to me)

Honestly, I feel like giving up. This is tiring, seriously.
I think I'm going to barely survive this semester.
Only God knows how many tears I let out this week.
Miserable at its best. And I was pretty much overwhelmed by all the tasks and lectures online.
I'm angry at nothing, or maybe I'm angry at myself.
Because I rely on someone else to make myself feel sane.
And when they're not here for me for any reason,
i burst, i explode, i broke down to pieces.
It sucks. I wish I was independent and needed no one to survive.

I wish I could ghost myself entirely from everyone.
I don't know why I have the urge to do that
while knowing I still need someone to be by my side.
No, don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, thank God for that.
This is the worst case I've ever been in my life.
I just wanna be gone, and be somewhere that maybe I can feel calm.
Away from things that are messing up with my head.
It's possible but risky. I don't want to bury my future, six feet under.
I have to think, about my mom and my siblings.

I'm stuck. I'm confused. I'm in distress.
But nobody really senses it. It's sad.
I was trying to call out for help.
Nobody really listening.
Maybe it's what I deserve after all :(