I don't know what's wrong with me. Wish i could write exactly what I'm feeling right now. Seeing other people happy while I'm the one who's drowning in my own thoughts makes me feel lonely, helpless and hopeless. Yet i was the one who pushed people away. The emptiness is heavier than you think. I agree with that. Maybe it's true that I stray too far from God. Maybe it's what created this hollowness inside me. Maybe this sadness is the aftermath of whatever i did, and all that i did was nothing. I want to grow closer but why i can't force myself to do it. It makes me even sadder that i couldn't help myself. And it seems like the closest person to me is already giving up. And i was left with only myself. It was my fault too, to refuse any help from anyone. Although i need it so bad. This feeling I'm having is making me feel like giving up on everything. Everyone around me deserves someone better to replace me. I don't think I'm qualified enough to be anywhere in this world. Every time i open up my mouth to let out the voices i kept inside me, there will always be damage for every word I've said. I'm clueless. What's right to do is wrong for me and what's wrong seems right. I'm afraid to trust anyone in this world. Completely a misfit. And i sit there, somewhere in the corner, shaking from the coldness of loneliness that's hugging me tightly, tighter than ever. My heart screams, kill me, just kill me already. Like a pathetic broken villain, begging for the protagonist to just end their life and stop their pain with one snap. This feelings makes me want to hug myself in the middle of a lonely night, walking around the sleeping city, cheeks brushed by the cool wind, and watch the earth wiping away my fallen tears.
Why is it so hard?
Why is it so hard for me just to follow? Follow what they wanted, follow what i should've done in the first place. Why i can't force myself to be better? Why do i feel like I'm stuck with the person i hate forever, though I'm the one who's controlling them. Why I can't even think of how to change? Fuck, this makes me even hate myself. The only thing that killed me inside, was myself. Nobody ever hurt me more than myself. I wish i could just be somebody else, travel to a new place and delete the persona that i used to be delete all my memories of mine. There are days when I'm hoping to have sudden amnesia so i can be someone new and forget everyone including myself. It seems terrifying but it's just terrifying for everybody around me, i will completely forget who i was.
Maybe that's all i wanted for now.
To be completely gone, lost, and not found, by anyone. Forever.
Hey there , you completely just saying 80% of what i'mthinking right now .
ReplyDeleteBut just let you know that , you are valuable and pls dont be so sad and depressed . It must be such a hard time for you now , but i believe u can make it . I mean we can make it . I pray you'll be happy and meet the person who care about you okay :)