after all these years that i keep hurting myself,
physically and mentally, contemplating with should i seek for help or not?
i've always been afraid with myself and people out there.
"your feelings are valid"
that's what mario and el always told me.
eventhough it was an impulsive decision,
maybe...it wasn't that bad.
i guess i need to thank myself for
my never-ending impulsive behaviour.
i dont realize if this week was a tough week for me,
it felt normal, like the other days.
but last night was hell for me.
i dont know what triggers it, i have no idea what i was thinking.
all i know was i couldn't sleep because
i was shaking, cold and sweating at the same time.
i felt restless. what worried me was
i couldn't properly breathe and my heartbeat was super fast.
it's tiring, i tried to close my eyes and take deep breaths.
i just can't.
what's worse was, i always thought crying was my coping mechanism.
when i cry, i can fall asleep easily. washing all the thoughts away.
but last night, i couldn't cry at all. i was stiff as hell.
it hurts, my chest hurts, i felt so cold and scared.
i prayed in my heart,
"Allah...please ease this for me, i really want to rest tonight"
keep on repeating that again and again.
it does make me calm a bit. i fell asleep for a few mins,
then i woke up feeling anxious all over again.
it doesn't work as much i want it to be.
my siblings went to see the doctor today.
out of nowhere i told the receptionist that i want
to set an appointment with the doctor too.
but damn i was so scared and my breathing felt so heavy
afterwards.
thank god she treated me so well. since she's been treating my family
since i was a kid. she knew us so well. she heard the news about what has been
happening with our family these past few years.
god knows how i was so relieved to hear her validating what im feeling.
i was always scared to seek for professional help,
"what if i was just overreacting?"
"what if i'm just being dramatic?"
"what if it's my unstable hormone?"
the stereotype that people keep telling me about these nurses and doctors
makes me scared.
yeah, she was very understanding of my situation.
so then i went to KK and did the test.
and they told me to come for my first session this wednesday.
i honestly dont know what to explain to them, where to start,
how i feel and everything.
i am ashamed of myself.
but thank you el for comforting me.
and thank you all that has been helping me feeling
comfortable and convinced me that i really deserves to be helped.
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